This is about the best I can say when it comes to my life of faith, hope, and charity. I’m trying. But at times, it can be tiring and frustrating. I look around the world and see souls who have drunk so deep of the poison of relativism that they’ve become inebriated with it. When I try to reach out and wake them from their stupefied state, I am railed against, slandered, mistreated. When I look at the Church, I see clergy, religious, and laity who too have been handed a glass of relativism and drunk deep. When either a faithful member of the clergy reaches out or a lay person tries to call these wayward souls back, they too are slandered, defamed, and mocked by their very own brothers. It can become very discouraging. I have found that in my life too, when I have sought to help other souls find a deeper life in Christ, I have been slandered too, even by priests and laity. It hurts. It sucks. It’s difficult to keep going. Yet, one thing remains:
I’m still trying.
Yes, there are many varied and holy catholics scattered across the globe. Yes, this encourages me. Many of these fantastic souls do fabulous work and have assisted many souls find Christ and the joy of Catholicism. It is fabulous that our Lord deigns to grant them that gift. Yet, I feel my cross is different. Lately, I have been thinking on my “success rate” or “ROI” if you will, and found it lacking. You see, I want so badly to help people come to know God and the beauty and the joy of the Faith. I want so terribly for the world to stop killing children in the womb. I want so terribly for the Church to find NEW glory. Not the “old glory” of the pre-conciliar Church, but a Church that has come alive and crushes the errors spread since the Council. Yet, I find myself encountering disappointment after disappointment. Failure after failure. I never seem to be able to get it just right. When I look at the Church, I see a lot of the same. I see a mess. When I look at the world, I see a mess. And inside myself, I see an even greater mess.
Yet, by God’s grace through Mary, I’m trying.
Will my efforts in the realm of the world ever succeed? Who knows? Yet, despite whatever exterior apostolate I have, all that I can truly do is try. Try to grow in virtue. Try to stop choosing myself over God and others. Try to find ways to sacrifice for God and others. Try to love. Try to hold on to whatever joy God has given me, and come Hell or high water, never surrender it to cynicism, bitterness, and defeat. I may not be able to leave a legacy, but I can try to love today and that is the best I can do. Jesus, please let your love make up for whatever is lacking in mine.